Gears of Comedy: The New Man's Best Friend
by MyFantasiWorld
Summary: Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will rockworms instead take over as humanity's new man's best friend? Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends as they struggle through harnessing a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera! - Please R&R! Chapter 3 is up!
1. Chapter 1: It Starts With A Worm

Gears of Comedy presents…

**The New Man's Best Friend  
**by Stephanie Gallegos, aka MyFantasiWorld

**Copyrights: **Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games and People Can Fly. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.

**Rating:** Rated M for language and mild adult themes.

**A/N: **Hey, guys, I'm back again with this weird story I made a long time ago. I decided to give these chapters a good revision and finally end this god-forsaken insanity of a story. Before you read, I must warn you that there's a bit of off-charactering, references of game glitches and unresolved theories, characters breaking the fourth wall, and a whole lot of stupidity. It was written around the time GOW2 was still active, so you'll notice I don't have any of the new characters appear in this story. For those who haven't read the old version of this, it's just a humorous story about Delta Squad taking care of a rockworm as a pet, but it will be completed with some sort of plot device… maybe, I'm not sure myself. Just read on and you'll find out. Please R&R! Criticism acceptable!

**Summary:** Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will rockworms instead take over as humanity's new _man's best friend_?Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends as they struggle through harnessing a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera!

* * *

Chapter 1: It Starts With A Worm

* * *

Within the hallways of the COG's headquarters, Marcus Fenix was wandering aimlessly with nothing much to do during this afternoon. He wasn't in his battle armor at the moment and instead was wearing a pant, thermal shirt, and boots. Since there was no missions assigned to keep the soldiers wearing the heavy armory all day, they were required to wear the COG's standard-issued clothing. This didn't mean Marcus couldn't wear his do-rag, so he still brandished it along with his selected uniform.

So as he continued wandering through the hallways, he held a cup of coffee in his right hand while he had his left hand dug inside his pocket. At the moment, he wasn't sure why he was ambling about the place. He also barely realized he had a cup of coffee in his hand. Shit, he doesn't even _like_ coffee!

"Dammit." Marcus grunted to himself when he finally realized he was stuck in another of those weird fan stories called 'fan-fiction'. The ones that people like MyFatassy… MyFartessi… well, whatever the author's name was… makes, which can never succeed in being the most favorable comedy stories in a fanfiction site, or anywhere else for that matter.

He stopped and looked at the cup he never purchased to begin with and decided to drink it, despite his distaste for it. Before he even thought to swallow the black caffeine down, his eyes bugged out and he sprayed the liquid all over the floor. Actually, what he had tasted wasn't even coffee at all… it was _water mixed with dirt._ The soldier looked at the puddle of mud and then to his cup. Remembering what he had thought about the author, MyFaboosi-something, and insulting her talents of writing humorous, but still not so great, stories, he sighs, "And thus, the torture begins."

Turning his head to the left, he saw a door with a rather large poster reading, _"Do Not Enter!"_. He shrugged at it and, out of necessity, reached for the doorknob. He was inches away from grabbing it until he noticed the poster folded open to further read, _"Don't Fuck With Me, Marcus, I Know It's You!"_. He bent an eyebrow up in surprise to recognize his name was written on it, but yet proceeded to reach for the knob. He stopped once more to see the poster fold open again, further reading, _"You're Asking For It, Dipshit!"._ He ignored it with a grunt this time, noticing that this kind of vulgar language forwarded to him can only belong to Damon Baird, and went ahead to grab the knob.

Suddenly, he felt a shock of electricity go through his arm and then to his entire body. After a few painful seconds, he managed to let go of the doorknob to stop from getting any more electrocuted. Standing stupidly and puffing out a cloud a smoke, he saw a small paper slide out from under the door reading, _"I warned you."_. Marcus growled fiercely and roughly threw his cup of 'coffee' across the hallway.

Actually, the cup he had thrown wasn't Styrofoam nor was it a cup to begin with. It was a _coffee mug_. So as it flew across the hall, he wasn't aware it was aiming directly to where Dominic Santiago and Augustus Cole were talking next to a water cooler… and at his brother's head.

"Okay, okay," Cole eagerly said while wiping away tears of laughter from his eyes, "here's another one! You know that Anya is a blonde and Maria is a brunette, right? Well, if Anya and Maria fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?"

Dom answered with a smile, "Don't know. Spill it out, man!"

"Well, Baby, it would be Maria. Anya would… Ha, ha!… have to stop for directions!" Cole threw his head up and laughed out loud. Dom, though, looked at him with wide eyes and felt his lips quivering. He then covered his face with both of his hands and started to sob. Cole stopped laughing and gave him an unsatisfied look, "Baby, you gotta learn how to take a joke."

_Clunk!_

The mug that appeared out of nowhere knocked Dom clear in the head. It hit him so hard miniature Reavers formed around his skull like a halo, and he collapsed to the ground with the water machine falling on top of him. Cole just stared in shock at the sudden catastrophe that befell on his friend, and walked back slowly to wherever his room was at to avoid getting hit by a flying coffee mug too.

Marcus, who was still enraged in the middle of the hall, tried to go through the door by grabbing the handle again. Without even thinking what had happened to him earlier he got shocked again. After minutes of getting fried up the ass he collapsed to the ground. "Ow."

He stayed on the floor in an awkward fashion for what seemed like hours, until he decided to try another method rather than grabbing the knob another time, which he almost did while trying to sit up into a crouched position. He then pressed his ear against the door to hear what was going on in the room. Within a minute, a startling voice emitted from the other side quickly grabbing his attention. "Oh, Baird." a female moaned out.

Marcus thought, _"That's funny, it sounded just like… Anya?!"_ He began to press his ear roughly against the door, almost as if attempting to push through the door itself. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard! He felt furious as he thought Baird might be trying to… No, he better not be. Not with Anya! Not _his _Anya!

"Baird… Baird… BAIRD! OH MY GOD, BAIRD!" Anya continued moaning ever so loudly.

That was when he lost it.

Marcus got up on his feet and started to yell out furiously. Some of the COG's maintenance and communication crew in the hallway passing by watching him scream at the top of his lungs. Most of them held onto their paperwork in fear, while a few of them stared in confusion or paced more quickly past him. He finally stopped screaming, to everyone's relief, but as he yelled out, "BAIRD!", all the workers jumped right out of their skins.

As he grabbed a shotgun from a person who was carrying multiple of weapons in an unfashionable manner, he pumped it and prepared to shoot down the blonde's door. Everyone else ran around screaming or took cover behind the water coolers. There were only two placed at each end of the hallway, so most of the people ran down the stairs to avoid the situation altogether.

Inside the room, Baird came out of the kitchen adjacent to the living room and kneeled beside the lieutenant. He questioned, "Anya… why the hell are you yelling like that?"

"Hmm…" Anya mused as she put a finger to her lips, "I dunno."

_BAM!_

A large hole was suddenly created from where the doorknob used to be. Marcus on the other side kicked it down with his heavy steel-toed boot and stomped into the room. "BAIRD! YOU FUCKING PIECE O' SHIT! WAIT TILL I SHOOT OFF YOUR-" The man stopped in mid-sentence to find out he was not seeing what he had expected to see.

Both Baird and Anya were crouched down on the floor side-by-side with their backs facing him. In front of them was a large eggshell the size of a full-grown cat, covered in pink-transparent slime and other revolting things he didn't want to find out. He noticed that something familiar came out of the shell, but whatever it was was the least of his concern.

Baird stood up and grabbed his short, spiky hair roughly, "MY DOOR! What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!"

Ignoring Baird's worry about his door, Marcus stood over it and barked, "Shut up, Baird! I want to know what you're doing with my woman!"

"What! I wasn't doing anything to your- Wait a minute… Anya's not your woman!"

"_Yet_," the soldier clarified, "Now, back off, Asshole, or that small stick of yours is going to get blown off!" He pumped his shotgun to ensure he was going to do what he said.

Baird didn't startle by his intimidation - as if he ever did - and sniffed through his nose. He got close enough to barely touch nose-to-nose with him to give him his usual, cold, are-you-testing-me glare. "Oh yeah?" the mechanic snarled, "I'd like to see you try, Dipshit!" They were now both growling at each other like a couple of mad dogs fighting over a fresh heap of meat.

"Enough, you guys!" a demanding, yet soft, feminine voice brought their attention towards the blonde Lieutenant, Anya Stroud. She got up from her squatted position and fully faced towards the two men revealing a giant worm cradled in her arms. It was still coated in the pinkish slime from the egg, but you can still tell the rock that enveloped around it was very smooth and soft. It almost looked like if you touched it with your hand it would feel squishy than solid as rock. Anya then placed it on a couch to wipe off the slime on her uniform.

After staring at the delicate creature blankly, Marcus gasped like if he had seen a Brumak pass by, "WOORRRMMMM!" Throwing away his shotgun and bringing out his trusty lancer out of nowhere - thanks to the unresolved fact that many game characters can pull out their weapons even when they don't appear to carry them at all - he charged up the chainsaw and sprinted towards the worm. "DON'T WORRY, ANYA, I'LL SAVE YOU!" He cried out as he was ready to pulverize the creature. When the lieutenant shrieked and shoved away, Baird reacted by jumping in front of the worm and grabbing Marcus' arms to hold him back. The chainsaw almost made its way to cut open his head.

"HEY! EASY, BIG GUY!" Baird tried to yell loud enough over the saw, "IT'S A ROCKWORM! A HARMLESS CREATURE! GOT IT?!"

Anya walked up to Marcus and softly placed a hand on his bicep while attempting to keep on a steady voice, "Marcus, it's okay. Let me just explain, please?" Marcus eyed her while still letting the saw hover over Baird's face and sighed in defeat. Calming down he stopped the chainsaw from running. The blonde, on the other hand, caught his breath when he noticed he was still alive, and took a step back to look at them both.

Marcus then spoke, throwing his lancer over his shoulder to make it disappear from the room, "Why the hell do you have it here?" Baird stared at him dumb-founded. "What?" he growled impatiently.

"How… how the fuck did you do that?!" Baird baffled out, completely ignoring his question while he walked over to where his lancer should've landed at. To his surprise, the mechanic noticed it wasn't anywhere to be found. Even the shotgun too! Well, in a manner of speaking, games also have an unresolved fact that weapons can disappear if not used anymore in any area it is thrown at. Yes, another humorous fact attempted in this story.

Baird was now too preoccupied about the game fact to pay attention to anybody, so Anya answered for him instead, "Well, according to Baird, he thinks he would make history if he could train them to become… "pets"." She even curled her fingers as a gesture to emphasize the last word in-between quotes. "He thought he should get one so he can research up on them. He even told me about it before I briefed him on a mission to go underground so he can get away with sneaking one in the headquarters. And since Hoffman would trust me not to do anything like that of the sort, Baird decided to let me keep it with me. Besides, I think they're cute."

Marcus looked at the worm covered in the pink ooze and looked back at her with a lifted eyebrow, "If you wanted a pet, why not get a dog?"

"They get eaten."

"Oh, right."

Baird, who was still figuring out how Marcus' weapons would vanish out of place, gave up and responded, "And who knows? They could be our new 'man's best friend'." He then holds up a finger each time he lists a point, "First of all, it's not predatory in nature. Two, it listens to you if you know their language like the Locusts do. And three, I think it's time Dom learns that his keeping-his-sanity methods by talking to Jack is making him look like a weird, straight-out-of-a-psychiatric-hospital retard!"

Marcus stared at him unimpressed. "Baird, Dom talks to it because he feels it keeps his head straight. That's a _good_ thing. As for the rockworm, they're defensive creatures so they can still attack anyone. Also, these things are not smart or loyal just because the Locusts can talk to them. They're just _fucking_ _worms_."

"Hey, man, you don't know that!" Baird defended, "Seriously, if Locusts were able to manipulate them to become their allies and a dependant food source, then I'm sure we can do the same." Both Marcus and Anya lifted up their brows, and Baird responded quickly, "Hey! I didn't mean eat them too! That's - that's just gross!" Then he let a second slip and continued with a sarcastic tone, "Unless if Granny served up a menu for that kind of shit, aside from all the unearthly creatures she mentioned she made out of rations, then yeah, I guess a few of us would eat them… Oh wait, I just remembered, she's the _only_ insane one on this planet who would!"

Anya, almost looking as if she ignored what Baird ranted about, turned to Marcus and said, "Anyway, Baird went out to get the rockworm without having Hoffman find out."

"Yup, but it wasn't easy. Trust me."

* * *

_Besides the mission, Baird was on the search to find a rockworm's egg for his little experiment he liked to call "Wild-to-Pet Converting", and Anthony Carmine was there to accompany him on his investigation too. But most importantly, he was doing it for Anya._

_The mechanic didn't mind the Lieutenant was offering to have his experimental subject as her own pet, but he thought if he turned her down from it, she would less likely feel interested in having sex with him. Plus, knowing that Marcus has had a hidden interest in her for a long time, he finds the luxury to get him pissed off when Anya appreciated his actions. _Especially _when he receives a peck on the cheek as a favor for helping her out… _

_What else can be said? He enjoys teasing the poor son-of-a-bitch._

_As the two scavengers traveled deeper into the tunnels where rockworm nests were most likely to be formed at, they finally found a shallow hole filled with five worm eggs. Unfortunate for them, the mother was curled around them while it slept._

_Behind a small hill with Carmine, Baird hummed to himself, thinking over how they should get an egg without waking the oversized worm, and turned his attention to his partner-in-crime. A light bulb then suddenly appeared over his head making a small ting sound when it glistened and freaking out Carmine at the process._

"_Alright, there it is. Go get it, Carmine," Baird whispered to him before ducking down to watch him in action, but Anthony didn't budge._

"_Wait… Why me? This is your idea, not-" the private stopped talking as he saw a Snicker's bar hanging over in front of his face._

"_You want this candy?" Baird shook the bar a few times giving Carmine an attempt to snatch it out of his hand, but he pulled away and made him miss._

"_Yes… yes I do!" The young soldier pleaded as if mesmerized by the presence of the candy._

"_Then go get the egg, and I'll give you the candy in exchange for it." Carmine saluted with determination and jumped over the small hill only to trip and fall on his face. He then quickly brought himself back to his feet and continued forward, making Baird palm his face out of embarrassment for him._

_When the rook finally reached the mother and its nest, he looked at the pointy shell of the sleeping body and jumped over it clumsily landing inside of the nest. As he picked out one of the overgrown eggs he held it out into the air to show Baird. The blonde just nodded quickly and signaled him to get the hell out of there. After the private nodded back in approval, he forgot not to touch the rock-like shell of the mother and it grumbled._

_He froze so quickly he had thought he had woken it up. Panicking inside his mind, Carmine was too much in shock to know what he was going to do next, so he let his involuntary actions take the best of him by making him trip over the body. This time the worm woke up to find him holding onto one of its new-born. Simultaneously, both Carmine and the worm screamed in very high pitches, making the rocks in the cave crumble into dust._

_Carmine was up and running with the egg still intact in his grasp, while Baird was ready to take off with him. However, the rockworm caused him to trip by its swinging tail, making him drop the egg and let it speedily roll towards Baird. The blonde found the chance to retrieve it as his own and left without any regard for his partner's fate. All the while, Carmine was being dragged in towards the beast, yelping and screaming at the top of his lungs. "KEEP GOING, BAIRD! DON'T WORRY 'BOUT ME! YOU DO WHAT YOU GOT TO DO! OH, SHIT!"_

_Remembering about the Snicker's bar he promised to give to the private, Baird stopped immediately and grabbed the candy out of his pocket. "OH YEAH, I ALMOST FORGOT! HERE'S YOUR CANDY!" He threw it roughly in the air towards him._

_Carmine stopped his screaming and grabbed the bar in midair. He started to unwrap it while still being pulled in towards the worm, "THANKS! I'm glad to know that I'll die happy eating this - Wait a minute! THIS IS BEEF JERKY! DID YOU JUST EAT MY CHOCOLATE?!"_

"_UMM… NO…" Baird stammered unaware that his face was smeared with chocolate. "SEE YA!"_

"_DAMN YOU, BAIRD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"_

_Then he ran away._

_**AT THE FRONT OF THE COG'S HEADQUARTERS…**_

_Hoffman squinted his eyes observing the 'swelled-up belly' Baird had suddenly developed after getting out of the locust tunnels. He proceeded to ask, "Are you _sure_ that's a swelling, 'cause that looks like a damn baby you're growing in there."_

"_Believe me… swellings form like this down there. Lots of damn diseases are polluting the tunnels now."_

_Dom comes up to them with his body swelled up as well. Baird looked at him in surprise. "It's true. You got the same thing too?"_

"_HOLY SHIT!" Baird quickly dashed out of their sight, careful as not to trip and fall on top of the swelling, which was actually the rockworm's egg._

_After Hoffman and Dom watched him leave, they both turned to each other and laughed out loud. Dom took out the pillow from under his shirt, which was supposed to be the so-called swelling, and exclaimed, "Man, I can't believe he felt for it!"_

"_You're telling me! But seriously… was that a swelling?"_

"_Nah, I think it's a baby."_

_Hoffman fell silent. "Well, good for her! I know she'll be a great mother!"_

_Dom looked at him incredulously. "Wait… You think he's a_ chick_?"_

"_Isn't he a homo?"_

* * *

Bewildered by the unusual flashback, Marcus slapped himself back to his senses and responded, "I don't trust those creatures and I think you shouldn't either. Harmless or not, you're not going to keep it, Anya."

"But Marcus…" Anya said in grief.

"NO."

Anya looked down at the worm almost ready to cry.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Baird butted in at the instant hoping to convince him for Anya's sake and, hopefully, impress her. "Marcus! What kind of man are you to not realize how happy she'll be to have something she loves so much! I mean, c'mon, look at her!" Anya made a large pair of sad-puppy eyes. "You don't want her to be like that everyday now, do you? Knowing that her man doesn't like what she likes! That's just… sad!" He also made the same puppy eyes like Anya, but smirked inside knowing his trick was going to work.

After taking a few looks at the two, Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, "Okay, FINE. Just… just don't let that thing near my room. I'd hate to see what a worm's crap looks like. And Baird… stop doing that."

Anya quickly brightened up, "Oh, thank you so much, Marcus! Don't worry, I'll watch out for it."

Baird offered her a towel to cover up the baby rockworm before she left the room with it. She stopped near the exit like if she had almost forgot to do something, and went back to the pair. She tiptoed up to the blonde's face and kissed him on the cheek, remarking a small "thank you", and continued to make her way out of the room and into hers. Baird rubbed his face to where her lipstick was marked at and formed a cheesy smile. Marcus almost looked like he was fuming up.

The scarred man gritted his teeth, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"Yep. The guilt trick works like a charm, huh? Besides, there was no way you could've turned her down. You're just too soft!" He even poked at his chest making Marcus slap his hand away before he thought to pull away.

"Get off!"

"Oh, but wait a second!" Baird sarcastically said, "I know you're not mad, because of _that_. You're mad, because she didn't kiss you but_ me_!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are."

"No, I'M NOT."

"Yes, YOU ARE."

"NO, I'M NOT!"

"NO, YOU AREN'T!"

"YES, I -" Marcus went silent after realizing what he was about to say, and grumbled to himself as he crossed his arms.

Baird smirked, "I rest my case."

_KLUNK!_

Marcus was then hit in the head with, what Baird had noticed, a dirty coffee mug, and the soldier fell forward with rockworms circling around his head. The blonde just looked blankly at his fallen figure and turned to find two unknown guys at the entrance.

Actually, the way they looked was kind of funny; their skin was rough and a pale-gray color, they were both bald, and their nails were pointy enough to rip through rock. Baird thought they were Locusts, but he thought it was a stupid assumption until he noticed their faces weren't actually real, but were masks that represented Cliff Bleszinski and Tom Hanks.

The one with the Cliff mask exclaimed, "Excellent shot, Louie!" He raised up a hand to the one with the Tom mask to receive a high-five.

"Ha! Yeah, you've been _coffee_ _mugged_! Ha, ha! Get it, Steve? Coffee _mugged_?" The one in the Tom mask elbowed his friend, "Y'know, 'mugged' as in 'attacked'? Or 'mug' as in 'his head'? Get it? Ha, ha, ha!"

The one named Steve stood watching him laughing, almost as if he didn't find his joke humorous at all. He then palmed his mask out of annoyance and responded, "Just… just shut up, Louie."

"Hey!" Both Steve and Louie turned their attention to the blonde mechanic. "What the hell are you locusts doing here?" he asked plainly.

The two locusts turned to each other, and the one named Louie turned back to Baird and shouted, "Your mom!" then they both ran out of his sight with their laughter dying down the hallway.

Baird stood in his place without moving until he looked down at Marcus, who was finally coming out of his unconscious state. Then he pondered about the "your mom" quote very carefully, until he clicked his tongue and nodded, "Yeah, I think I might kill those assholes tomorrow." Just then he opened up his eyes real wide in realization and smirked devilishly, "Then again, I just might be able to get those rockworms to listen to us after all." He then looked down at the sergeant again watching him rubbing his reddened temple. "Well, looks like we're following up with a plot to this story. Aren't we, asshole?"

Marcus mumbled to himself, "Ugh… God, help me get out of this story."

* * *

**A/N: **There you go, the first chapter to the story. For the readers who had read the originals, I have changed and added a few things to it. Oh, and for those who have read my Ruin To Parody oneshot, Steve and Louie are a few locust characters I made up to fill in as humor for the Locust species. Now, if you like this story so far (for some reason), then be sure to read the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2: The Babysitting Service

Gears of Comedy presents…

**The New Man's Best Friend  
**by Stephanie Gallegos, aka MyFantasiWorld

**Copyrights: **Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games and People Can Fly. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.

**Rating:** Rated M for language and mild adult themes.

**A/N: **Here's the next chapter for the story and now fully extended after Marcus agrees to take care of the rockworm! (For those who have read the old chapter.) Enjoy, and please, R&R! Criticism acceptable as always!

**Summary:** Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will rockworms instead take over as humanity's new _man's best friend_?Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends as they struggle through harnessing a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera!

* * *

Chapter 2: The Babysitting Service

* * *

**ONE WHOLE MONTH LATER…**

"Okay, Anya, what'll happen if it gets _bigger_?" Baird asked while staring at the now six-foot worm in Anya's living room.

The blonde woman next to him thought to herself and bit her lip, "I can put it in the closet."

"Anya… let's not try to act stupid so you can impress the readers, please?"

"Sorry."

They both looked at the rockworm again, and within a few moments Baird snapped his fingers, "Dizzy!"

"Dizzy? What about him?"

"Well, I've heard he keeps a small farm near here with a dozen of those worms. Since Hoffman restricts them to be in the COG facility, he allowed Dizzy to still keep them there as long as they were secured outside of the area. He can probably take care of it there, if you like. Hell, he's even got a license to prove it!"

"Hmm…" Anya placed a finger on her cheek, "I don't know. We should check it out first and see if it's fine for Blacky."

"Okay then, let's… wait… Blacky?"

"Yeah, I named it. You got a problem with that?" she glared at him, making him raise his hands in defense.

"No! No, I don't! Sheesh! Take it easy!"

_CRUNCH! Munch, Munch, Munch!_

They both turned to the worm named Blacky again and realized it started to eat up Anya's couch. They didn't motion to stop it.

Baird then crossed his arms, "So… who's going to watch over it?"

* * *

"_What_!? Why do you want me to watch it for you?" Marcus, giving the two intruders an evil stare, was sitting back on his couch with his arms hugging his torso.

Before he was interrupted by Baird and Anya, he was watching Benjamin Carmine play with his Xbox video games. The private had come into his room because he had found his games were half-eaten by an unknown creature, from what he had guessed, and asked Marcus if he can play with his games. He was sitting next to the sergeant moving his body in rhythm while he played like he was evading something from the game. Marcus turned away from the two with a grunt and kept watching the television screen to avoid getting involved in the conversation more.

Anya, without losing her frustration over his remark, evenly said, "Because, Marcus, you and Baird are the only ones who know about it and-"

"Well, if Baird does too, why doesn't he watch the damn thing!"

"He's going with me to see if Dizzy is trusted to take care of Blacky."

"Why worry about trusting Dizzy? You should worry about trusting Baird_ going with you_. He's going to try and have his way with you if you don't watch out."

"Wha-?! Marcus! Why would you say something like that!"

"Yeah, Asswipe! Why would you say something like that!" Baird echoed her words but adding in an offensive nickname. Marcus turned to meet Baird and snarled at him. The mechanic continued, "Besides, you're just jealous to know that I'm going with her instead of you!"

"No, I'm not! I just don't trust your ass for shit. I know how you are…"

"And I know that you're just jealous!" Marcus then sat up and growled.

Carmine, who was still keeping his eyes still on the game, stated, "I agree. You're not really good at hiding it, you know." While the private kept playing his video game, he was unaware that Marcus was mad-dogging him next and suddenly got punched in the face.

The soldier got up from his couch and snarled, "I'm still not going to 'baby-sit' your damn pet!" As Marcus walked into the kitchen with his arms still crossed, Anya got provoked by his stubbornness and huffed as she placed her hands on her hips.

That was the first thing she had expected for Marcus to do: to try and ignore her. Luckily for her, she already had a strategy to convince the ignorant man, which Baird had noticed by the mischievous smile that formed on her face.

He then watched as she let her hair fall out of the bun she had kept it bundled into, almost making his jaw drop slightly in awe, and afterwards opened her shirt up to expose a large amount of her cleavage, which made his jaw hit the floor. She turned to him to mouth out the words, "Watch this…" and began to slip into the kitchen while Baird still stood with his mouth fully open.

Walking into the small kitchen, where Marcus decided to go to avoid the two, Anya tenderly called out, "Oh, Marcus…"

"WHAT." The scarred man roughly said, avoiding any eye contact with her while slanting himself on the stove.

The only thing Marcus was hearing was the clicking of Anya's shoes coming closer to him, and since he was oblivious of how she was looking at him, how she was dressed, and how quiet it had become, he didn't motion from his spot. He just kept his eyes closed.

Anya finally stood face to face with the soldier and Marcus, having noticed the sound of her clicking shoes had stopped, opened his eyes and lifted his head. He quickly stiffened up and blushed. He finally caught sight at how near she was from him. Aside from that, his attention was more focused on her appearance.

Anya's hair was loose from the bun she would always have it in almost every day, and her shirt almost made her chest look like it would pop out. Fuck, she looked so alluring he couldn't make himself look away from her, let alone move out of the closeness between them. Damn, she was just… just _too fucking gorgeous_!

He tried his best to back away from her, but remembered he was leaning against his stove. He roughly clenched the edges of the counters instead without thinking of getting out from the open sides that lead him away from the attractive beauty. He was surely stuck there for good.

"You know Marcus…" she softly spoke as she placed her hands onto his chest making him stiffen at the contact. She also pressed her breasts against him, making him swallow and try not to make his eyes stray down to them.

"Uhh… Any-"

"Shhh," she quickly placed a finger to his mouth gently, "I know we haven't had much time together…" Marcus raised his eyebrows at her statement. She then slowly brought her finger away from his lips and grabbed his hands to place them onto her waist, making him blush uncontrollably. "But we can make up for it, if you promise me to take care of Blacky." Anya then managed to ring her arms around his neck while holding a small distance from touching his lips with hers.

After hearing her last statement, he suddenly broke free from a surging arousal and knew what she was trying to do. He quickly said no before turning his head away to keep from looking at her. "Please? Do it for me," She cooed and made him meet her eyes again, placing her lips at the same distance away from his.

It made Marcus stop breathing, but he had enough air to let his mouth do all the talking to whisper, "Yeah…" Just as he was about to make himself go any further to kiss her, he smelled something burn behind him. He turned his head rapidly to find the stove had lit up his pants. "AH, SHIT! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!" He jumped out of Anya's embrace and submerged his ass quickly into his sink, which was luckily filled with water, and sighed in relief.

Anya then clasped her hands and smiled, "Oh, thank you so much, Marcus! I promise you, it won't take long." She quickly wrapped up her hair into a bun and closed up her shirt as she walked passed Baird, who was quietly watching everything happen, winking at him to mouth out, "It worked!", and went out of Marcus' room to check up on her pet.

Baird watched her leave and walked to the kitchen, springing his steps towards Marcus with his hands behind his back. He snickered, "You let your guard down too much, don't you?"

"Shut it, Baird."

Carmine, who finally woke up from Marcus' blow, sat up on the couch and groggily said, "It's true. You really fell for-"

_BONK!_

Marcus threw a pot at his face and the private fell back with a thud, landing at the same place he was knocked out on before.

* * *

"…and here's the food it eats. Blacky just loves it so much!" Anya said as she went over the counters of her kitchen that was fully stacked with cat food.

Marcus grabbed a can and looked over the label showing a bit of disbelief in his face. "You feed it _cat food_?"

"Yep."

He just stood silent and then grunted as he put the can back where it was before while thinking about what he just got himself into. Looking over the list one more time, he finally knew what he was going to ask her before she and Baird were going to leave, "So how long are you going to be gone?"

Baird popped his head out from behind the sofa Carmine was sitting at. While he was looking for something underneath, he answered for Anya, "Oh… let's just say it'll be at around, I dunno, six hours or more, but-"

"WHAT?!" both Marcus and Carmine yelled out in unison.

"Hey! I'm not finished yet! That's how long _I think _it's going to take. The vehicle we're using is going to take as long as a three-hour trip to-and-from the farm. So I'd suggest you guys get comfortable, 'cause we won't be back for a long time." Baird was almost ready to laugh as he saw Marcus fume up.

"No way!" Carmine complained like the child that he was, "I have a garden that needs to be watered today and I just had it scheduled today since last week!" He even took out a rather large calendar from out of his back and pointed at the block that read, "_Water The Garden_", along with a small, bad drawing of a watering can colored in green. Marcus just turned and looked at him blankly.

Baird ignored his complaint after noticing he had pulled something out of nowhere like what Marcus does with his weapons, and asked, "How did you-", but he stopped only to conclude there was no way he could possibly get an answer and said, "Y'know what, never mind."

Baird stood up from the floor, though, thinking he might have the potential to do it too. He then reached for his back like if he was grabbing for something, hoping he was able to pull out the jacket he was trying to look for. Fortunately, he did! He looked at his jacket in shock, but shrugged the thought off like if it was no big deal and went ahead to sling it over his shoulder and head for the door.

"Well, we better get going, Anya." Baird called out to the lieutenant, who was making sure everything for her pet was in place and ready to be used.

"Yeah, just hold on a sec." She turned to the sergeant and quickly tip-toed up to his face, planting a small peck on his scarred cheek, to his surprise, and quickly headed for the door before responding, "Take it easy, you three! Remember, don't let Blacky out of your sight!" She then disappeared out into the hall.

Marcus just stood motionless for a few seconds, but realized that Baird was still holding the door open looking at him with piercing eyes. The soldier just smirked at him like if he was mocking him for winning his own game, but the mechanic just snarled and slammed the door hard enough to leave cracks crawling on the door frame and force a picture to fall off of the wall.

"But… my garden…" Carmine whimpered, almost ready to cry, since he was being ignored all this time.

The rockworm, which was also being disregarded all this time, made a random cry and started to climb onto the couch Carmine was sitting at. He watched it as it laid its head onto his lap, making him turn really pale by its approach. Blacky looked at him as if it was asking him to pet its head just like what a dog would do. After he offered a few shaky pats on the head, the worm randomly cried again, making Carmine jump high enough to hit the ceiling of the room and get his head stuck.

Marcus, all the while, was watching them and giggled at the private's sudden state. "He, he… Nice."

**ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CEILING…**

Carmine had hit the ceiling so hard it made him fall unconscious for a while. When he woke up, he shook his head to find he was in another room rather than Anya's. Looking around the place, he found himself staring up at four familiar friends of his; Dom, Jace, Cole, and Tai, sitting around in a circle.

"Hey, guys, how you all doing?" He groggily asked.

Each one of the boys looked at the other in bewilderment except for Cole. He instead yelled out while throwing up his cards in defeat, "Dammit all! I almost had three spaces left to go!"

Dom ignored the thrashball player and replied, "Uhh… good." He then started to inspect his head to ask, "Say, Carmine, how did you get your head stuck into… umm… _the ceiling_? And why are you in Anya's room?"

"Good question, but before I answer… can you help me get my head unstuck, please?"

"Don't worry," a gruff voice from the other side of the floor said, "let me just…"

_POP! THUD!_

The private was successfully yanked out of the hole, but he landed on the floor so roughly he was thankful enough the large soldier, who looked just a lot like Marcus, was able to cushion the blow.

"AUGH! SON OF A B-" the soldier hollered in pain.

"Oops! Sorry, Marcus… WOAH!" Marcus roughly pushed Carmine off of his back and made him hit his ass on the floor this time.

"Yo, Marcus Baby, you in here too!" Cole waved over to him excitedly through the gaping hole on the ceiling, "Damn, you both have some game in y'all! Ha, ha, ha! I hope there's room for one more!"

"No, Cole, it's nothing like that-"

Dom then intruded over his statement, "Oh c'mon, Marcus, quit hiding under the rock, we know why you're in there." He winked at him while giving him a thumbs-up.

Tai also began to find himself in the conversation, "Love is something you could deny, my friend, but it is also something you could never hide. That is why we can easily see that past you."

Jace looked at him skeptical - since nobody can understand his poetic language - and spoke, "Umm… what he means, Marcus, is that it's obvious there's something going on between you and Anya Stroud. Especially since you're in _her room_."

Marcus knew he didn't have a chance to convince them of their misunderstanding to his reason for being in Anya's room, and pinched the bridge of his nose sighing.

Carmine finally got up rubbing his bruised butt, and clarified for Marcus' sake, "Actually, we're in here to take care of Blacky." He then pointed to the creature that began eating the collapsed ceiling.

All four of the men looked down at it in surprise, and Tai exclaimed, "A _rockworm_! Why in Miss Anya's room?"

Marcus looked up at him, "If you really want to know, we'll talk about this privately _in here_."

"Right," Dom stood up in anticipation, "C'mon you guys, we don't have anything else to do now that our Monopoly game is destroyed." He looked at the board game that Carmine had also made a hole in.

"Dammit," Cole muttered to himself as he got up after everyone else did, "_Three more spaces_…".

* * *

**MOMENTS LATER AFTER MARCUS EXPLAINED THE SITUATION…**

"So now, I'm stuck here babysitting this thing." Marcus pointed at the rockworm which was playing fetch with Carmine, who somehow had suddenly overcome his fear of it rather quickly.

"Well," Tai was convinced as he watched Carmine toss the ball for the rockworm to fetch just like a dog would do, "these creatures seem to make as good pets after all. They cannot harm you unless you pose as a threat to them in some way."

"Ha, ha!" Cole laughed out loud, "I'm pretty sure Boomer Lady has no definition of 'pet' in _her_ dictionary. That girl would kill and eat your pet spider for all she cares. No matter what it is!"

"Glad she's not here to plan and eat this worm, then," Marcus responded.

"Worms? Like those? Hell no!" However, he took a moment to think and decided to take back his last statement to say, "Well actually… I'm not sure. Never really asked her 'bout that. Probably never will. Eating those kind of things is just straight-ass nasty!"

"I don't think I can take up the offer of eating one _at all_," Dom said with a disgusted face.

"You and me both," Jace agreed.

"Anyway, I didn't think Anya was interested in these kind of things."

"Yeah, well," Marcus agreed while turning to look at the oversized worm "Baird believes that it's possible that these could be the only species left around that can be considered as our 'pets', as ridiculous as it sounds."

"I wouldn't be too sure," Jace looked over to Carmine, "The rockworms aren't the _only_ pets we have here."

The private then turned around to see everyone looking at him without any clue as to what they are talking about. "What?" Carmine asked.

"Yeah," Marcus grunted, "but he's more fucking annoying than the god damn worms. You can _never_ teach him new tricks."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean!" Carmine shouted insulted by his words.

When Blacky the rockworm came back with the ball in its mouth, it spit it out at the private's face. The force of it was so hard, it hit him and knocked him to the floor with worm spit covering from his forehead and down to his chin. The whole group started laughing at him and Carmine began to see stars hover over his head.

"So anyway, we all shouldn't tell Hoffman 'bout this, right?" Cole remarked.

"Exactly," Marcus nodded his head, "The last thing I want him to do is to kill me over with a Brumak. He'll be pissed if he ever found out about this, _especially_ since it belongs to Anya. It would cause her to be thrown out in the streets."

"Actually, he almost did kill us with a Brumak," Dom recalled almost saying it out loud to himself, "Marcus, do you remember when we held up a small zoo of locusts? You know, during the time when we forgot to lock the wretches in the cage?"

"_We_ didn't, but Carmine's stupid brother did..."

* * *

_Dom looked over the list on his clipboard one more time before he was sure all the locusts they rounded up for their brand new zoo, called "Locust Land", was ready to be put on display for the folks of Sera to see. "Okay… We have the Drones? Good… The Boomers… The Berserkers… The Theron Guards… The Kantus… The Seeders… The Reavers… The Corpsers… The Brumaks… The Bloodmounts… The Tickers… The Rockworms… and the… wait a minute…" He quickly stopped as he caught sight of a few empty cages._

"_Well now," Dizzy walked up from behind and stood beside Dom, along with Marcus on the other, "That's the last of 'em suckers! So, are y'all ready to let the herd roam free, kid?"_

"_HUMANS!" The Kantus screamed out from its cage startling the three, but only to be hit in the head by Mataki's club._

"_Shaddup!" Mataki yelled as she dangerously held the weapon over her head, making the locust whimper and hide into the darkness of the cage._

"_Umm… these are the cages for wretches, right?" Dom pointed his pencil at the two empty confinements, "They're empty." Both Marcus and Dizzy looked at him wide-eyed and gazed into the cages to make sure what he had said was true._

_While they were searching, Anthony Carmine ran up to them and yelled out in glee, "Hey guys! I'm done with checking the locks to the cages!"_

"_Carmine…" Marcus turned around slowly gritting his teeth, making the private halt in place, "did you _LOCK _the cages before we took them out?"_

"_Yes. Wait… What? Okay now, wait a second… I was supposed to _lock _the cages, not _unlock _them?" Everyone glared at him and he squeaked, "Whoops."_

_During all that time taking the cages out from the trucks, they didn't notice that the COG's headquarters was damaged and on fire with people and wretches jumping out of windows and running after each other. They also didn't hear the cries of help and monstrous roars filling the air._

_Just then, a familiar yelp came from none other than Hoffman himself. He became one of those unlucky people, because he was soon being chased by a wretch, which made Marcus laugh. "So it was _you_ guys! Sending all these wretches to destroy my headquarters!" Hoffman yelled out as he past by them to go into a rather large cage, which contained the big ugly Brumak._

"_Colonel, don't go in there!" Mataki yelled out after hitting the wretch with her club and sending it flying a mile from where she stood, but it was too late for Hoffman to hear her._

_Within a few silent moments, the ground rumbled under their feet. Then another rumble was felt again, which made Carmine fall on his butt. Then another, and another. Until suddenly, a Brumak towered over the group with its shadow, making Carmine jump from the ground into Mataki's arms._

"_DOM! MARCUS!" Hoffman called out angrily, who somehow managed to get onto the Brumak._

"_Well," Dizzy quickly said to the two victims, "it was nice knowing ya boys!" Then all, except Marcus and Dom, hauled ass._

_The cages containing all the locusts simultaneously flung open their doors, allowing each and every one of the creatures to step out and align in front of the two, ready to pummel them down with everything they got._

_The two soldiers looked at each other, and Dom calmly asked, "Marcus, I think we should run for it."_

"_I think we should too, Dom."_

_Then they started to run while being chased by all the different types of locusts, along with Hoffman taking control of the Brumak. "YOU SONS OF BITCHES DESERVE IT FOR DESTROYING MY NEW OFFICE I JUST GOT TODAY!"_

* * *

Everyone stayed quiet for a moment after watching the flashback, and then started to laugh out loud, except for Dom, Marcus, and the still-knocked-out private.

"Oh, man!" Cole wiped a tear forming from his eye, "That is _classic_! Ha, ha, ha!"

Dom and Marcus started to feel angry, making Dom cross his arms and look away. He then gasped as he noticed a large hole on Anya's wall. "HOLY SHIT!" Dom exclaimed, "Where's the rockworm?!"

The whole group fell silent, turning to where Dom was looking at and also gasped. Then they focused on the trail of slime that had belonged to the rockworm, which traced from where Carmine still laid unconscious to the gap.

Marcus jumped off from his seat in alert and picked up Carmine by his shirt, went to his sink full of water, and dunk his head into it, making the kid fight out of it to grab some air before he drowned. The soldier turned him around to face him and said, "Carmine, where's the fucking worm!"

"Huh?"

"The rockworm! Where the fuck is it?!"

"Wha- I dunno… I was knocked out…"

"With a ball?! Ah shit…" Marcus looked up at the ceiling in aggravation, then back at him, "Kid… remind me to _break_ your head open with it next time."

"Marcus," Jace went up to the two, "take it easy. I'm sure it didn't go too far."

Tai then added, "Of course. Hoffman's office is ten floors up from here so he'll never know it's here. It's impossible for a rockworm to climb up there, anyway."

"But what if it takes the stairs… Gasp! Or the elevators?!" Carmine panicked, making Marcus stare at him unimpressed.

"Uh… I highly believe it's impossible for them to do such a thing."

* * *

**IN THE ELEVATOR…**

Richard Prescott was taking a flight to the fifth floor of the COG's headquarters, and suspiciously, there was a rockworm next to him. It somehow collapsed inside from the top of the elevator not too long ago. He turned head to look at the creature and the creature did the same and looked up at him. They both simultaneously took their time to turn away from each other, almost as if they mimicked each others actions.

Prescott then responded as he shifted only his eyes towards Blacky, "Are you going up or down?"

The rockworm just cried out randomly and the chairman replied to it like if he knew what it was saying, "Tenth floor? Hoffman's office? I don't think he would like to see _you_ around here."

The worm cried out randomly again making the man nod understandably. "Alright then."

Prescott turned to the buttons and pressed the tenth one. They both stood quietly in place, and when the elevator stopped at the floor Prescott was taking, he mumbled to himself as he walked out, "This is going to be interesting…"

* * *

**BACK AT THE ROOM…**

Marcus looked out into space wide-eyed and thought back from what Carmine had said. Knowing that whatever was too ridiculous to happen in reality was surely going to happen in this god-forsaken fan-fiction, especially in a comedy like this one. In fact, that worm could probably be in Hoffman's office at this very moment, because it _could_ take a damn elevator! The soldier quickly let go of Carmine and dashed out of the room and into the elevator.

The private was caught by Dom from falling, and asked, "What happened? Was it something I said?"

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you guys enjoying it so far. Wait, what am I saying? I'm pretty sure there are other stories better to read than this one! Why are you still here?! Ah, whatever, I still appreciate those who are sticking around with me to the end, though. Read on to the next chapter and remember to leave a review. I always love to hear feedback.


	3. Chapter 3: Dizzy's Pet Farm

Gears of Comedy presents…

**The New Man's Best Friend  
**by Stephanie Gallegos, aka MyFantasiWorld

**Copyrights: **Everything that is Gears of War belongs to Epic Games and People Can Fly. Other material used here either belongs to me or other creators.

**Rating:** Rated M for language and mild adult themes.

**A/N: **Another chapter updated and posted. As always, enjoy and R&R.

**Summary:** Since dogs, cats, and every known animal are now considered as food instead of pets to the human society, will rockworms instead take over as humanity's new _man's best friend_? Follow Delta Squad and many of their friends as they struggle through harnessing a friendship with these stone-shelled, cave-dwelling, constant-eating creatures of Sera!

* * *

These are phrases you'll find in the story and what they mean:

1. Above The Snakes: if you were "above snakes", you were above ground - meaning still alive.

2. Addle-Pot: A spoiled sport/brat. (I tweaked that a bit from the real definition to fit the use for the story.)

_Phrases are referenced out of a Western Slang, Lingo & Phrases site. I know, I'm so cheap!_

* * *

Chapter 3: Dizzy's Pet Farm

* * *

**AFTER THREE HOURS HAVE PAST…**

_Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!_

The young private Carmine huffed and puffed from exhaustion, stopping for a moment to relax his tired muscles, and then kept up his pace with the other four soldiers he was following. "Damn… this building… sure has… a lot of stairs! Whew!" he yelled out to them, visibly out of breath while running up the steps, "And we're… still on… the _sixth floor_!"

It was true. They were still on the sixth floor and they needed to reach Hoffman's office which was located on the tenth floor . Anya's room resided at the fifth floor of the COG's headquarters.

"Remind me again, Dom why didn't we take the _elevator _again?" Jace complained, following up with Carmine's logical statement.

* * *

_**THREE HOURS AGO INSIDE THE ELEVATOR…**_

_Marcus stood in the middle of the small room, looking at the buttons flash from 6, then to 7, 8, 9, but didn't reach up to 10 for some reason. The elevator suddenly stopped at the tenth floor, but the doors didn't open for him. He raised his eyebrow and watched carefully to see if the flashing light would finally move up to the last button and open the doors. It didn't. _

_He tried to press it this time and waited patiently._

_It didn't do anything._

_He pressed it again._

_Nothing._

_He started to grow annoyed, and roughly pressed the button repeatedly, only to have it explode right into his face. He slowly opened his eyes with his face all covered in black soot. He didn't motion from his position, but only said, "Shit."_

* * *

**BACK AT THE STAIRS…**

"Oh," Jace responded, after being reminded about Marcus getting stuck in the elevator.

During all that time of reminiscing about Marcus' situation, though, they had finally reached the tenth floor. Jace had to stop and look at the sign that read "10th Floor" over the door in disbelief, while Dom, Tai, and the panting Carmine started to go through it.

Knowing now that whenever flashbacks would start to overcome their current events, just like what happened right now, time was going to instantly move forward to the significant parts of the event, no matter how far it was going to yet be performed.

Jace smirked incredulously and said to himself, "Thank god for narrative flashbacks!" before he went to catch up with the rest of the group.

As the five soldiers regrouped into one, they all ran straight for the elevator, where Marcus was unfortunately stuck inside of.

Cole went up to the doors and knocked on the metal, "Yo, Marcus! You alright in there?"

"AAARRGH!" was the only response he received, rational enough to make him step away from the doors. Not only that, but it was the sound of a cocking gun that made him and the rest of the group move ten feet into the hallway.

_BANG! TING!_

Everyone watched as the scarred man with a shotgun in hand stepped out of the elevator, crushing the ruined metal doors with his weight. "That's the last time I take the damn elevator…" he gruffly said.

Everyone, except Carmine, just stared at him with half-closed eyes, not nearly surprised that Marcus was going to continue on his destructive rampage of shooting down everything in this story.

Dom responded, annoyed that they all climbed up the stairs for nothing, "Y'know, you could've done that a long time ago before we came here to save your ass."

Shrugging, he said, "Hindsights. What else is new?"

Carmine then reacted by running towards him, giving him an exaggerating hug. The private sobbed, "MARCUS! YOU'RE ALIVE! WE THOUGHT YOU'D BE STUCK IN THERE FOREV-" Marcus punched him right in the face before he even finished his sentence.

"Let's just go find the worm…" the soldier sighed pinching his nose-bridge, then ran to wherever Hoffman's office was, making everyone else follow suit.

Carmine abruptly got up from the blow, like if he never gotten hit in the first place, and yelled out, "HEY, WAIT UP!"

While they passed through the hallway, they made themselves walk slowly to examine the dozens of holes the rockworm had been making throughout the place. They would appear around the corners of the hall, into other rooms, and even from the ceiling. But as they reached the Colonel's room, they eventually found a large hole gaping from the door.

"I don't think Hoffman would appreciate that," Dom said aloud.

Marcus then growled under his throat, and ran towards the door to open it roughly. Everyone else ran into the room and inspected the whole place to find any sign of the worm traced around there. There was none.

Good.

That meant nothing was damaged.

But then again, it was _not _so good.

"Good news! The flags were never eaten," Tai said in relief, looking at the COG flag Hoffman had swore to hurt anybody if they ever did something to it.

"Yeah, but the bad news is it's still out there," Marcus looked under the furniture and peeked into closets to make sure the worm had not been in the office at all, "Well, I guess it's all clear here."

"Let me see…" Tai thought aloud, making everyone huddle around him, "If I were a rockworm, where would I go?"

Everyone thought for a while, except for Carmine, who was scratching his head and looking at the only large window of the room.

"I dunno… maybe into that big giant gap at the window," the private pointed behind him.

The soldiers looked at each other wide-eyed and saw the window partially damaged in half, almost as if something went through it. They all ran toward it and looked down from the height of the building, only to feel knots forming inside their guts when they saw a large, red splatter of blood and guts and rock parts swimming in it on the pavement below.

Jace then broke the silence, "Oh, shit…"

* * *

**SAME TIME, SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY… **

"Well, we're here…" Baird mumbled in displeasure at the number of hours it took to get to Dizzy's place, but that wasn't what was bothering him the most.

He hated the fact when he got slapped by the lieutenant, who didn't take to liking him putting the moves on her while she was driving three hours non-stop. After what counted as the fifth and final slap he received from her, Baird switched seats with her so he had his hands preoccupied on the wheel instead of her legs.

When he stopped the engine, the blonde woman just glared at him with crossed arms. "Shit… talk about drama…" Baird whispered while rolling his eyes. He got out of the vehicle to go to her side and open the door for her, "Here you go, your _Majesty_."

Anya still kept her arms in place as she got out, but her expression changed quickly as her mouth curled into a playful smirk. Baird just kept looking at her with a scowl. She then sarcastically said, "Good boy!" as she reached out to pat his spiky, yet fluffy, hair. He stared at her unimpressed but flinched when he saw her finger point in front of his eyes and her smirk disintegrated into a frown, "Now… when we get in there, I don't want you touching me again! If you even try to lay a finger on me one more time, you're going to be sorry that I'll be using _this _on you!" She brought out a gun-like Taser and fired it up to intimidate him.

He looked at it surprisingly and then back at her. "Damn! You are one crazy hell of a woman!" Baird brought his hands up in surrender, but then smiled haughtily and said, "I like that."

_BZZZZZTTTTT!_

No sooner than he realized he was being shocked by her Tazer with who-knows-how-many-bolts are going through his body. She stopped shocking him and watched him fall to the ground, who twitched involuntary every five seconds with his hair messed up in a funny fashion.

She put the gun away into the pouch she carried it in, and the mechanic abruptly got up from the ground, fiercely yelling into her face, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO YOU JUST NOW!"

"_That _was for being an ass. Anyway, let's go and find Dizzy." She started to walk towards the house that resembled like that of a cabin, while whispering to herself loud enough for Baird to hear, "I should've taken Marcus with me instead…"

"And what? So _he _can deflower you, instead?" The blonde got up from the ground and patted away the dust and continued, "What does he have that I don't have?! He destroys everything, he practically hates everybody, _and_ let's not forget he doesn't even care about _your needs_! He was the one who didn't want you to have something you cared about the most, so tell me… _please_, tell me!… WHAT MAKES HIM SO SPECIAL THAN ME?! And did I mention he destroys everything?"

Baird was shocked by the Taser again and he fell to the floor with small volts enveloping his body. "Let's just get this over with," she sighed and turned her direction to the cabin.

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK._

Anya stood on the porch waiting to hear any footsteps approaching from the other side of the door, while Baird slanted on the logged-walls next to her, eyeing the so-called dog that Dizzy kept chained in the field. It's name was Toby and this 'dog' he had wasn't actually a dog, but it was a Bloodmount. It kept staring at the two blondes almost as if it was studying them.

Baird shivered at its prolonged stare and spoke mostly to himself, "Man, I don't know what Dizzy must be thinking keeping these things as pets! Not _all_ of these locusts are meant to be pets! What else is he going to have here? Tickers as chickens in a hen house? Reavers as flying horses in the back? Kryll as a bunch of parakeets in a bird cage?!" Baird looked away from Toby with a huff and tried to keep his attention somewhere else.

Anya was completely in her own world while she fiddled with her small earphone she'd thought to take with her. Before she and Baird left, she had made sure to get Marcus to carry around his own earphone in case she wanted to call him up and make sure he was doing his job. Even if it wasn't the best way to know what he was actually doing, she trusted him no matter what, making it the reason why she had even avoided from contacting him all day long. But for some reason, she was now deciding if she should right now.

Just as she was about to activate her earphone, the door flung open to reveal Dizzy in his cowboy get-up he would usually wear when he went out in places. Instead of seeing the flamboyant smile that would form under his bushy beard, he looked really gloom with sadness crossing his face. Anya and Baird noticed this and looked at each other and back at him.

"Anya, Baird, it's good to see ya guys," his smile was weak, but it quickly faded away as he bowed his head slightly to look at the floor.

After moments of awkward silence Anya finally asked, "Dizzy? Is this a bad time for you? I'm sure we can visit you another day, if that's what you want."

Baird looked at her incredulous, not approving the fact they should waste another day to visit the farm again to just discuss on behalf of her pet, Blacky. However, Dizzy replied quickly, "No, no, not at all, Ma'am. It's just… Well, just c'mon inside. I hope y'all don't mind if I told ya what's keeping me under the coop."

"Of course, Dizzy, whatever you need."

"Oh great,_ more drama_," Baird sighed out loud, making Anya elbow him in the gut.

_**AFTER HEARING AN "EMOTIONAL" STORY…**_

Baird and Anya stared at him blankly while Dizzy bawled out widely, grabbing tissue after tissue until he had five empty Kleenix tissue boxes laid around him.

"MA POOR BABY! OH, WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO! WHY'D YA HAVE TO TAKE ON DOSE DAMN WRETCHES LAST NIGHT! WHY!" Dizzy cried out as he pulled a picture from his pocket of himself in his dusty and battered-up suit hugging the tire of a rig vehicle, which he named Betty. The giant truck was even wearing a rather large bridal veil. He started to cry even more.

After a moment of staring at the crying man, Baird quickly looked at his wrist pretending to check the time on a watch, "Well, would you look at the time! Man, this day has been short, hasn't it, Anya? Dizzy, it has been _great _chatting with you - really great - but I think it's time for us to go…"

"Stop it, Baird!" Anya slapped his shoulder and turned back to Dizzy, "I'm sorry to, um… hear that Dizzy. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there any way we can help?"

"And before you say anything," Baird crossed his arms, "Can you take care of her rockworm, by any chance? She was wondering if you can keep it in your farm, since Hoffman has a case of butt-hole relapsing every time he sees them around his headquarters."

Dizzy started to calm himself down, but to their surprise, he automatically brightens up and stands up from his couch, making all of the tissues and boxes fall to the floor. "Sure thang, ma boy!" The western grabbed his cowboy hat, adjusted it to fit on his head, and walked towards the front door of his house, "Ya rockworm would love to stay here! In fact, I'll give y'all the grand tour of ma barn to show ya this place is as safe as a carnival ride!" As he opened the door, he walked out like if he had no remorse for anything to begin with. The two visitors gave each other quizzical looks.

"I think he needs help," Baird finally said. Anya just etched her brows at him and went ahead to follow the tour guide with Baird trailing behind.

"TOBY! C'mere boy! I want ya to meet ma friends!" Dizzy called out towards the small doghouse that had the name "TOBY" written on the top of the opening in black paint.

"Oh no," Baird gasped, "He's calling that fucking Bloodmount! Quick, Anya, you go divert him while I make the run for it!" He pushed her off the porch roughly and hid behind a chair that was sitting at the end of it.

Anya just rolled her eyes and responded, "C'mon Baird… If Dizzy has kept this thing for a while with no trouble, I'm sure we can trust it."

"I'm warning you. DON'T. GO. NEAR. IT!"

Just then, the Bloodmount, named Toby, ran out quickly from the house, growling dangerously at Anya and clawing the air with his small uni-claws. Baird squeaked and ducked his head down behind the chair. Anya jumped a bit and giggled nervously at Toby's surprise attack. Dizzy, astonishingly, lowered to its level and started to pat it on the head. Instead of expecting to see it bite his hand off, Anya saw it began to relax and purr a little.

"It's okay, boy, take it easy! This here's ma friend, Anya." He turned to the female and called her out, "C'mon over here, Ma'am, and have a closer look at him, would ya? He only makes friends with ya smell. Weird, ain't it?"

She felt a bit uneasy at hearing what Dizzy had said, but went ahead to lower to its level too. As she slowly reached out a hand to rub its nose, Baird turned away to expect her being dismembered into pieces, but instead it started to sniff her hand a few times and purred for her to scratch its head.

"Wow!" Anya whispered in amazement, "This is so… unreal! Where did you get him?"

"Down at them bear caves while I was hunting in the forests," he pointed out in the distance over his barn where some sightings of green trees stood over the horizon, "It was when hunting season came around the corner, and I decided to bag myself some of them deer and bears. This one saved my ass from a bear attack! If he didn't, I wouldn't have been **(1) **above the snakes. Tough lit' fella, he is. Anyhow, the poor thing was even cold and all alone with no mommy, so I took him in as ma own. Fair is fair."

"Aww…" Anya said while scratching Toby's head more, "That is real sweet of you. Now I wish I could have one, he's so adorable."

"I don't kid ya when I say this, Ma'am, but this beast can be an (2) addle-pot. If y'all like, though, ya can visit him anytime ya want."

Baird then interrupted, finding the courage to get up front with the Bloodmount himself, "Wow, that _is _interesting. I thought you had to communicate with them with some certain language or something."

"Not with these types of creatures, I don't think. But the worms, now that's a different story. I can't even figure out how them Locusts do it to make 'em listen at all."

Baird was reminded of something and lifted up his head from evaluating Toby, who was eyeing the blonde and hissing threateningly, making Anya move away. "That reminds me… Did you see any Locusts pass by here?"

"None, son. Why ya asking?"

"Well, I met up with a few of them the other day snooping around my place. I tried to catch them, but they got away. I couldn't find them since then."

"So what if ya can't find them! They thought better enough to save their shitty-ass hides!"

Anya looked at Baird perplexed and responded, "Yeah, Baird, what are you trying to get at?"

Baird smirked and pointed at the cowboy, "Dizzy, you said wretches appeared last night, right?"

"Yep."

"Well, wretches don't make plans to damage a vehicle for no apparent reason. They gotta have some kind of purpose to do it."

Anya thought it over and lifted up her brows, "It's the Locusts! They probably sent the wretches to destroy the rig so he wouldn't be able to go anywhere. Then that means these locusts…"

"Are the same darn-gone ones that Blondie saw run away!" Dizzy finished the sentence for her.

Baird nodded, "Exactly!" but he looked down and frowned. "But it doesn't make sense. Why did they not get to Dizzy but instead destroy the vehicle?" He was about to find the missing piece of the puzzle until he jumped at the startling sound of Toby growling and pointing towards the dirt road.

The three of them turned to look to what was bothering the Bloodmount and saw a ticker with the familiar imulsion-filled canister on its back tick away under the truck Baird and Anya drove in.

"Shit!" was the only thing Baird said as the truck exploded and pushed the three to the ground with its shockwave. The whole truck then flew up in the air dismembered into pieces. Lots of them fell into different areas around them, except for one which almost crushed Toby. However, he successfully dodged it and cowered into his small house for shelter.

As the dust clouds receded from sight and silence hung in the air, Dizzy got up slowly and grabbed his hat shaking off the dirt and grass from it. He placed it back on his head with ease but was still shaken at the event that had just unfolded in front of him.

A few feet from him, Anya coughed a few times and noticed she had fallen on top of Baird. Baird looked at her and smiled devilishly. "This is probably the best first date I'll ever have."

Anya huffed at him, but frowned and got up quickly to see what had happened. The truck that was parked along the dirt road was gone. It was nothing but a small, black hole and the remains of a ticker.

"Does that answer ya question, Baird?" Dizzy asked, hoping he knew the answer now. Baird shook his head to his answer while he wiped the dirt clean off of his clothes.

For a moment, he was disappointed he didn't find the real intentions for the Locusts to destroy their vehicles and leave them stranded in the farthest place from the headquarters. Sure, he understood it would take a long time to get assistance to come and back them up if they were under attack, even with a Raven. He also knew Delta Squad's service to the COG has helped win many battles for them. They were a popular target for many of the Locusts out there who hoped to make a difference for their winnings. But the one thing that bothered him was why only them…

Now it just hit him.

He turned to look out into the dense forest and glower at it, almost as if it started to mock him for his mistake. He shouldn't have missed the opportunity to catch those Locusts the other day and prevent this unfolded dilemma, because now he realized they were hunting them down. Not only him, Anya, and Dizzy, but also the rest of the Delta crew.

He then replied in a dissatisfied manner, "Unfortunately, yes."

* * *

**AFTER THREE MORE HOURS OF REACHING THE BOTTOM OF THE COG HEADQUARTERS…**

"Huff… huff… huff…" Carmine was the last one to finally come out of the building and into the back area of the headquarters. He collapsed in front of the other exhausted soldiers and wiped his forehead from the running rivers of sweat.

"Well… I've had… my exercise… for the year…" Dom said through pants.

"Ah, man!… That worm is… dead!… Now what the hell… are we gonna do… now!," Cole laid back in exhaustion.

"We should… find another rockworm… around here…It should be… no problem." Tai suggested.

"But… But what if… Anya and Baird… are on their way… right now?" Jace panted.

"I don't know, man," Dom replied, "but she'll… let us know when… when they're-"

_KRRRR…. KRRRRRR!_

Everyone stopped wheezing and looked up to hear the familiar crackling sound coming from Marcus' earphone. Marcus turned to them slowly and took a moment to stare at each other in worry.

"We're screwed, aren't we?" Dom stated.

Marcus then brought a finger to his lips gesturing Dom to be quiet, and concentrated on the sound from the earphone. A voice crackled in and it was Anya. Though he was fond of hearing her soft voice every time they talked through the earphone, he had wished he didn't at that moment.

"_Marcus, come in. The reception is kind of weak, but can you hear me?"_ the earpiece crackled and went silent. Marcus looked at his friends, but went ahead to activate it.

"Yeah, I hear you, Anya. What's up?"

"_Good. Well… how's Blacky? Is she okay? Did you give her the right amount of food like I told you to? If you didn't, then I think we're going to have a-"_

Within the background, Baird interrupted her and yelled out, "Anya, not right now! Tell him what's going on!"

She sighed to herself like if she was guilty of something, and Marcus took notice that this wasn't about the rockworm at all. It was something else entirely. On the other hand, the four soldiers didn't pick up Baird's muffled voice in the call, and frantically scattered around the place to pick up the remains of Blacky. Anya then began to add in with a rather serious tone, _"It's kind of urgent."_

Marcus lifted his head up and looked back at everyone who had stopped from trying to hide the guts behind a bush, now recognizing she was in distress and gathered around the soldier to wait for her response.

"_Our truck just got destro… KRRRR… The Locusts… KRRRR… behind this._"

Baird then responded in the background, _"Great, the sun's almost do…KRRRR… you need to tell the… KRRRR… now!"_

"Anya, what's going on? You're breaking up!" Marcus was now starting to worry. Even the group stared at each other in question for an answer, but nobody knew.

"_Marcus…KRRRR… whatever you do… KRRRR… on't come… KRRRRRR!_" The radio went dead.

"Anya? Can you hear me? Anya!"

No response.

"Son of a bitch."

* * *

**BACK AT DIZZY'S FARM, SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST…**

The sun had set down from the horizon, and on top of a tree hung a Locust Hunter, who smiled out his sharp teeth while watching the sky turn black. He then turned to watch the three humans from a distance talking amongst themselves but audible enough to be heard.

Baird, who was arguing with Anya, burst out and said, "We wouldn't have been in this mess if you didn't have to keep us here and listen to Dizzy's stupid little story! We would've been done and out of here in seconds!"

Anya sternly replied, "For your information, we were all setup from the start even before we got here, so there was no way we could've known this was coming!"

While they continued on blaming each other, Dizzy tried to break it up by offering them some beer with a smile, but the only thing he got was a loud "NO!" at his face, forcing his facial hair to get static in one direction and the beer bottles to shatter into pieces.

The Locust Hunter sniffed in amusement at the humans' behaviors, and climbed down the branches to meet with his other Locust companion and said, "It's turning dark now, Louie, better start packing up those wretches."

The Locust Drone named Louie didn't respond, though, because the Locust Hunter noticed he was sleeping. The Hunter grew furious and kicked Louie hard enough to knock him off the tree and send him falling down to hit into every branch that came into his path, and then meeting the ground with a loud thud. The Locust Hunter followed behind with a casual leap to make a perfect landing next to him.

Louie got up groggily grabbing his head and rubbed it, "Ow! I think I know how snowboarding down a rocky mountain would feel like! Oh, hey Steve, what's up?"

"You idiot, quit your bickering, we've got humans to slay!" Steve growled as he picked up his Locust partner off the ground.

"Oh, goodie! But how about we find something to eat, I'm starving!" Louie grabbed his growling stomach.

"Don't worry, dinner will be served… soon." The Hunter slyly said, and started to laugh menacingly as the wretches came out from the shadows and giggled along with him.

While they continued their sinister laughing, Louie looked at them in confusion and broke in, "Eww! We don't eat humans!" All the Locusts stopped laughing and stared at the Drone.

Steve hand-palmed his face and yelled out, "You moron! Of course we don't eat humans, _they_ do!" He pointed at the group of wretches which suddenly began playing with each other like a bunch of puppies.

Louie looked up and pondered for a moment to finally acknowledge what he meant. "Oh! I get it now!" But he paused and saddened. "So, I'm not gonna eat?" Steve growled in frustration.

* * *

**A/N: **Alright, now you got yourself a plot! (As if there was one to begin with…) Do you think Dizzy, Baird and Anya will be able to stand against the battle headed their way? And will Marcus and the group find out what's going on before it's too late? Or will they continue to find a replacement for Blacky?! Well, I guess you'll find out in the next chapter!


End file.
